Mr. Mister "Kyrie"

"It reaches into where I cannot hide..."

Aretha Franklin "Freeway of Love"

"How'd you get those pants so tight..."

Teena Marie "Lovergirl"

"A little birdie told me you feel the same..."

Debarge "Rhythm of the Night"

"The party's just beginning..."

DEBARGE "RHYTHM OF THE NIGHT"

Survivor "High On You"

"Talking to myself running in the heat..."

New Edition "Mr. Telephone Man"

"This situation's blowing my mind..."

NEW EDITION'S "MR. TELEPHONE MAN"

Madness "Our House"

Madness. If I had written a song about the house I grew up in, it would have been horrible. This song is non-horrible. And that’s the genius of Madness. They took mom ironing shirts and kissing the kids off to school and made it a hit. The phrase that hooked me was "middle of the street". Location, location, location. I took that phrase quite literally. What an odd place for a house, I thought. I guess I never saw the video. For me, ignorance was bliss, I wouldn't have liked the song, if I understood that the house was equidistant from the two nearest crossroads. I prefer the image of trying to step on to the back porch only to be nearly run over by a city bus. In my mind, Madness' house will always be in the middle of the street...it was where they used to sleep...

Icehouse "Electric Blue"

"And it's all over you..."

Al B. Sure "Nite and Day"

"Love is blind..."

Elton John "Candle In The Wind"

"Goodbye Norma Jean..."

ELTON JOHN'S "CANDLE IN THE WIND"

Cher "If I Could Turn Back Time"

"Words are like weapons and they wound some times..."

Kylie Minogue "The Loco-Motion"

"You gotta swing your hips now..."

Taylor Dane "Tell It To My Heart"

"Body to body soul to soul..."

TAYLOR DANE'S "TELL IT TO MY HEART"

Escape Club Kool Moe Dee "Wild Wild West(s)"

I had every intention of writing this post about Escape Club's "Wild Wild West", but youtube pointed me to Kool Moe Dee's song instead...it also came out in 1988 and is way better. And by better I mean easier to make fun of.

Quick word association game. I say "Wild Wild West". You say what? If your answer was "black cowboys dancing in a snow storm" then you probably directed this video. I didn't think it was possible to make George Michael's rap look bad ass, but this video does just that. "Guns...we don't like to use them," but we will challenge our enemy to a hoe down. Trust me...you don't want that...as this video shows in graphic detail, when Kool Moe Dee and his crew starts line dancing, nobody wins.

Kool Moe Dee version...

Escape Club version (song starts at the :55 mark)...

Richard Marx "Don't Mean Nothing"

"No victim no crime..."

Eric Carmen "Make Me Lose Control"

"Jennifer's singing 'Stand By Me'..."

Poison "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"

"But what love does he know, has he ever felt like this..."

POISON'S "EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN"

Quiet Riot "Bang Your Head (Metal Health)"

"Join the pack fill the crack..."

Twisted Sister "We're Not Gonna Take It"

"I wanna rock..."

Matthew Wilder "Break My Stride"

"Last night I had the strangest dream..."

The Tubes "She's A Beauty"

The Tubes band meeting 1983: “She’s a beauty is a kick ass song. But the label thinks it’s too racy to have a video about a peep-show girl. What could we do to tone it down?” “I know, let’s have a pre-teen boy sit on the lap of a dominatrix in a carnival ride called ‘ride the beauty’.”

Much better.

The Tubes probably could have left the beauty's envelope right there, but instead they thrust the excited boy right through a picture of a breast. And on the other side? A four year-old ballerina. Can we please go back to the peep-show theme? This is creeping me out. Instead, they keep the ride going to reveal caged jungle girls with hay in their hair watching the dominatrix move the safety bar up to the young boy’s neck. This video is less about a one in a million girl and more the story of the boy coming of age. The dominatrix disposes of the bar in favor of a more intimate headlock and ultimately the boy becomes a man after riding the beauty. "She'll give you every penny's worth. But, it will cost you a dollar first" (and thousands in therapy).

What twisted freak directed this beauty/starter porn? Why, Kenny Ortega of course...the director of Disney's High School Musical films.

THE TUBE'S "SHE'S A BEAUTY"

Michael Jackson "Thriller"

"You try to scream, but terror takes the sound before you make it..."

MICHAEL JACKSON'S "THRILLER"

The Romantics "Talking In Your Sleep"

"You tell me that you want me..."

Stevie Wonder "I Just Called To Say I Love You"

"Made up of these three words that I must say to you..."

Lionel Richie "Hello"

Talented director of plays at the local community college and father of Paris Hilton's BFF. "Is it me you're looking for?" Yes, yes it is. Hello, Lionel. I've finally found you.

Tina Turner "What's Love Got To Do With It"

"Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken..."

TINA TURNER'S "WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT"

Huey Lewis & The News "Hip To Be Square"

"There is no denying that..."

HUEY LEWIS & THE NEWS' "HIP TO BE SQUARE"

Miami Sound Machine "Bad Boy"

Miami Sound Machine made two videos for "Bad Boy", either because the song is that good or because this video is that bad. Hey look, there's Gloria Estefan telling the pretty boy to get lost. And there's Gloria walking into a Brian Setzer video...wait, what just happened? I would imagine that this video is EXACTLY what most people picture when they first hear the song. It's your typical Hollywood story: boy meets girl, boy loses girl to beastality, boy gets girl.


It's like the songwriter and the cats had an "anything you can do, I can do badder" contest that ended with Estefan growing a tail. The song's writer gives us interesting insight into Estefan. For example, her heart goes "beat, beat, beat, beat, beat beat" and her phone goes "ring, ring, ring, ring, ring ring". Pretty bad writing, but the cats answer at the 1:41 mark, taking the time to show us what a beating heart looks like. And they tie things up at 3:01..."no Gloria, finger phones don't cut it in our world...let me pull out my car phone...this is how it's done."

80s music...you make me feel so good...

Jan Hammer "Miami Vice Theme"

Shh...

Sly Fox "Let's Go All The Way"

"The Hollywood Squares are living in Disneyland..."

SLY FOX'S "LET'S GO ALL THE WAY"

Guns N' Roses "Patience"

"I been walking the streets at night just trying to get it right..."